For those of you who enjoy indulging in a little guilty pleasure like I do called “The Bachelor,” the most recent bachelor to become engaged after 8 weeks on the reality tv circuit is the strapping Sean Lowe.  (As I side note, although I can understand his appeal, this guy does absolutely zero for me.  His recent pelvic thrusting appearance on “Dancing with the Stars” made me spit out my drink, as I was half laughing/half grossed out – okay, more than half grossed out.)  As media outlets around the nation are reporting, Sean and his lovely new fiancee Catherine have decided to wait until marriage before they indulge in a good old-fashioned roll in the hay.  Sean has decided, since college apparently, to wait until wedlock to have relations, and declared himself to be a “born again virgin.”

A born again WHAT????   Come again?

May I just say “Wow.”  A born again virgin.  Where do I possibly begin?

First of all, this title alone is offensive.  A person is either a virgin, or they’re not.  It’s that simple.  It’s not something you can un-do.  That’s like someone is “partially” gay – guess what, you either ARE or you AREN’T.  Or “partially” diabetic.  Do you own insulin shots or don’t you?   It’s one way or the other, buddy, let’s face facts here.   And the fact that you’re calling yourself a “born again virgin” means that decidedly, you are NOT one.

If you want to wait until marriage, good for you.  Although in a small minority, it’s definitely a noble thing, although if that is indeed your decision, do you really have to inform the masses about it?  Because unless you do say something, everyone else on the planet assumes that you’re having the crazy rabbit-imitating monster loving that everyone else goes through when you’re in the exciting, romantic beginning of the relationship period and you simply just. cannot. get. enough. of. each. other.  Hey, we’ve all been there.  And honestly, just because you are “waiting for marriage” certainly does NOT mean that you aren’t doing “other things.”  Use your imagination here people.  I always loved that kind of person in high school.  The guy or gal who made sure everyone knew they were a virgin and would not go “all the way.”   Sadly, these were the same people that had a steady boyfriend/girlfriend and indulged in making out, tons of groping and every other sexual activity known to man, but would not place “A” in “B.”  They were placing lots of everything everywhere else however, but had the gall to tightly grip onto their status as a “V.”   (In fact, I may have even seen that symbol on a varsity jacket or two).  Hypocrite much?

And while sex is certainly not the most important thing in a relationship, it definitely is a vital aspect to most couples.  How many of us have ever heard a friend complain about their spouse/significant other with regard to the bedroom?  Or rather, how many of us have heard a friend complain about an ex-spouse/ex-significant other in the bedroom?  It’s not the key to everything, but is absolutely important enough to cause serious problems and disconnects in a relationship.  Some people simply aren’t physically compatible.  And while I’m sure there’s a certain amount of “coaching” that those who are not up to par can benefit from, this may be one time when you want to go ahead and taste the milk before the cow moves in and starts redecorating.

I also pesonally love that Sean became a “born again virgin” AFTER college.  Well my my Sean, that’s convenient.   God forbid that you had to forego waking up next to all those still-drunk, random sorority girls.  I’m guessing your bedpost had it’s fair share tally marks on it, and that you may or may not have had a lost and found drawer for unclaimed panties.

So here’s my advice to the soon to be Mr. and Mrs. Sean Lowe – cancel the activities on the honeymoon, pals.  With all that waiting, I’m recommending that Johnson & Johnson go ahead and send you a gigantic KY gift basket.  You’re gonna need it.